Belfast Telegraph (November 7, 2009)

OF THE SEA

The whisper around the ship was that the great man was largely confined to his cabin, unlikely to receive visitors -- and certainly not likely to hand out the week's winning line in the National Lottery.

In fact, there was no trace of any sorcery at all as the P&O liner Aurora transported us effortlessly across a sunny and super smooth English Channel. From my cabin balcony, I watched seagulls slipping into the waves as they dozed in mid-air.

But there was a crackle in the air whenever Derren Brown -- billed in the ship's programme as a 'celebrity mentalist' -- deigned to make a public appearance.

He's such a polite, softly-spoken chap, surely one of Croydon's politest sons and ready to sign any book pressed under his nose. And such a big name, said P&O's media lady, that our mini-cruise sold out in 26 minutes flat, even though Aurora takes 1,900 passengers.

It isn't difficult to see why.

Instead of battling with complex booking systems, risking a credit card scam, worrying about congestion and parking charges to get to a show in London's West End, you simply finish dinner in one of Aurora's umpteen restaurants and stroll to the theatre on Promenade Deck.

Derren's knowledge of his audience really is uncanny. How does he know the bespectacled man in Row G is agonising about his golfing handicap, while a lady at the front wants to make a final attempt to learn to swim properly?

If they were 'plants' in the auditorium, they all feigned astonishment remarkably well.

Or does he position nosey-parkers around the ship, catching indiscreet conversations in clubs and karaoke sessions?

If so, they would have a lot of ground to cover. There's at least half a dozen things happening at any one time on an action-packed trip, plus a range of on-shore excursions. There are no lazy days at sea in two- or three-day voyages, and P&O's mini-cruises sell out months ahead.

There's also scope to consume substantial amounts of food and drink.

Time it right in Southampton, and our voyage meant that you could eat from Wednesday lunchtime to Saturday breakfast, plus midnight feasts for anybody feeling peckish in the early hours.

Of course, low cruise prices mean you pay for 'extras' that used to be free: four glasses of champagne, as we waved farewell to Southampton's Mayflower Quay, set me back Pounds 16 -- but spirits were high on a autumn afternoon.

So many things onboard are still free: a wake-up workout in the gym, a bracing walk around the promenade deck, or a favourite film in the cinema. Aurora is actually old enough (it launched in 2000) to have a small screen with curtains -- a luxury that today's brash new superliners overlook in favour of climbing walls and 'pitch and putt' courses.

The Aurora must be one of the few places on the planet ready to welcome smokers: there's a list of places in your welcome pack where this terrible habit is tolerated onboard, including designated tables set aside in the Crow's Nest lounge.

On our voyage, there was an added attraction for the passengers who paid from Pounds 214 for an inside cabin and Pounds 249 for an outside one.

Our two stops, Zeebrugge in Belgium and Le Havre in France, both resembled giant oil refineries at first glance, yet both are on the doorstep of two of finest sights in Northern Europe.

In both places, we hired a cab: historic Bruges on day one; the Normandy port of Honfleur, the next.

Bruges is a delightful mix of bikes and horse-drawn coaches clip- clopping across the cobbles, with designer shops slotted in between the chocolate makers.

You get the full flavour of the place in a canal trip, which costs about Pounds 6, and realise its full medieval splendour by climbing 366 steps to the top of the Belfort tower in the Grote Markt (Market Square).

We found time for a baguette with a tankard of ice-cold beer in the Market Square and hurried back to the ship for our mid- afternoon sailing and appointments in Aurora's Oasis Spa & Health Club.

For men and women, the spa offers a list of nine treatments: three for Pounds 60, five for Pounds 90, all nine for Pounds 125. You can splash more if you wish -- 60 minutes of teeth whitening costs Pounds 198, though you'll need a whole course to match George Clooney.

A great discovery, for my wife, was Christina, a manicurist from Romania with the patience and dexterity to turn short nails roughened by gardening work into sleek and shining ovals, elongated with white French tips.

Also a trained chiropodist, Christina proved a maestro with feet too, applying the shiny, crimson nail-polish that was still immaculate three weeks later.

All this expert treatment put a bounce in our step in Honfleur. To reach this jewel of a Normandy port from Le Havre, you climb a famous, curving bridge that almost takes you into the clouds -- and your spirits soar when you see Honfleur, too.

How do the French adapt their historic centres to keep them perfectly in touch with modern times? Some of the oil paintings in Honfleur's magnificent art gallery show how this area looked in the 19th century, and it has been tended with great care since then.

In late afternoon, you might round off your visit to Honfleur as we did, with scoops of magnificent ice-cream, eaten as we sat on the low stone wall encircling the port.

Next day, in the early dawn, Southampton looked a little murky. But what a treasure chest of memories to savour from an action- packed short break.Getting there: Jeremy Gates was a guest of P&O Cruises, which offers short-break cruises on most of its ships in 2010. Sample lead-in prices include: Pounds 426 for three nights on Arcadia from May 30, via Bruges and Le Havre; Pounds 214 for two nights on Aurora to Bruges from May 1; and Pounds 269 for two nights on Aurora to Bruges in November 2010.

Further information: P&O Cruises reservations: 0845 3555 333 or pocruises.co.uk

CAPTION: SO MUCH TO SEA: From top, the Aurora; Derren Brown on board; Bruges; and Honfleur

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